Saturday, March 12, 2011

From His Eyes

Hey...I've some good news, but it's also bringing back some emotions that really,...I hope will never go away. 


Where to begin...ok, many of you know my oldest brother died from cancer in January. 


The night before that post, I had written a short story. It was in answer to an email I received from The Art Of Manliless Writer's group, where Adam B is the creator. 


He was announcing a Winter Writing Tournament. What caught my eye was the theme: Escape 


I thought of my brother and the condition his body was in due to the cancer. So I began to type. I finished the story that night. I had emailed a copy to Darcel when I was finished to see what she thought about me submitting it into the contest and to get some feedback.


She read it that night and said she liked it and basically didn't give me a clear cut answer on the contest...but leaned toward not a bad idea. 


The next day, he's gone...


I really struggled with what to do about the story. I was leaning more toward not doing it. In the end, I do and it comes up a winner. There were four entries and all were good stories. They were up one week for voting and comments. They said mine was without a plot and they were right, but what did it for them was the emotional point of view. 


It was a very emotional write for me.


For some, this will be a very hard read... 



From His Eyes

It is not easy, here in this situation, bordering life and death. I'm torn, or being torn between accepting the next step or trying to make a comeback to a life that I probably wouldn't be able to enjoy the way I used to. I do believe in miracles and it would take one to rid me of this cancer that has brought me to this point in life, and bordering death. 

I'm tired and weak. This body is no longer the vibrant specimen it once was. Should a comback begin to happen, will this body return to it's form I loved so much? When I was able to cloth myself, work to support my family, enjoy the foods I loved to eat but now only vision...in my mind? The cancer is in my bones and taken over my body, what life is there left in me? I need help to move, to eat, to drink. It's getting harder to remember things, people.

I feel as if I have become a burden to those around me. My family and friends visit. How much longer will I be able to know them? What are they thinking when they see me? This is not easy for me and I know it is not easy for them. I love them so much, and I can feel the love they have for me as well. Is this why I have trouble letting go? I'm trapped. Trapped between love and death. How do I escape this way of no life? So many questions. Who will answer them? I'm so tired I jus---

...what's going on?...that's right, I remember now. I drift off a lot these days. It's getting harder to stay awake, but for as long as I can, I want to remember. Remember the good times we shared. Remember the sparkle in the eyes, the hugs, the laughter, the love...in spite of the mistakes...remember.  
I believe I am ready to move on, but some love me so much, they hold on only to hope. Some love me so much they already know.

So why does death elude me? Why is life prolonged? 

Maybe what I need is to be left alone...nourish me as long as I am able to receive, bathe me, keep me clothed, take care of my body as I begin to find my way. I am, at a space in time that I must take. This body is no longer viable. Let me find my way...let me escape this space, this transition...keep me comfortable, but let me go. 

Reglandus White
January 25, 2011  



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