Difficulties in life can weigh heavily on the mind, body, spirit, and soul of anyone. For me it has been to the point of emotional drainage. Dealing with these and coming to grips has undoubtedly taken its toll but has not destroyed me although at times I have felt as if they have.
I have always been a firm believer in God although I have not been in His presence the way I once was and I'm sure that is one reason for my present state of being. Prayer has made its way back into my life and is making a big difference.
Many years ago when I was a member of New Life Worship Center, I prayed oh so many times about my marriage and how I so desired to have a loving relationship with TheWife again. When we first met, things were everything I wanted in a relationship, but that changed after we got married. We still had good times and I'm sure many can relate how changes take place after years of being together, but I also know that this in not the norm in many cases. Many people knew of my dilemma and I'm sure countless prayers went out on our behalf.
I am an emotional, caring and sensitive person. Passion is strong in my being. I so desired to have these a part of my marriage but it was not to be and I wondered if I would ever rekindle these in the marriage. I tried talking and doing whatever I could to have my prayers answered because I knew that praying alone would not bring this to fruition. After years of emptiness I gave up and realized I was not going to have the answer I was seeking. I was bitter. Not at God, because I knew that all prayer does not bring the answer we are looking for. I was bitter at TheWife. I wondered why she chose to take the route she did in not trying to keep any kind of passion between us. I was truly perplexed. What puzzled me during our time in church was the fact that she began to give me the impression that because we were in church, it was wrong to have sexual thoughts and desires. For example, if we were watching a movie that had sex scenes, she would make comments about how disgusting it was....what?! I couldn't believe what I was hearing! I talked to her countless times but without success. It was as if she felt because she was in church it was taboo to even think that way. Sure we had what she thought was sex every now and again but far from what even came close to satisfying my needs. After awhile I felt it was pointless and made me feel even more despondent.
I know that it is not unusual for some people to lose there sex drive but I don't feel that was the case here. My thoughts were and still are today that she just didn't want to have sex with me, she kept me at arms length so as NOT to have that in our marriage. Why? I have a few guesses as to why (maybe in part 3?).
I can't remember the last time we had a long passionate kiss or loving embrace. My heart weighs heavy and I'm sure you may be wondering why in the world would I stay in a situation like this and I wonder also.
When we got back together, I thought things would be better than they were before and that we would have a relationship that would resemble anything close to what I dream of. She seems to be content with the way things are and would be happy to have a sexless, passionless life together. I'm far from being dead in body, mind, spirit and desires of the heart. I want and need to have the touch of a woman that would take my breath away. I long to have my ear nibbled. I want to have a woman's hand to momentarily stroke or squeeze my butt to let me know that I still have it goin' on. When I look in the mirror I see a man... a real man....not out of shape. Sure I've aged but at almost 58 years old, still desirable.
I'm not bitter at God, but I have asked...why Lord? What have I done to deserve this emptiness?
I'm sure you can tell in my comments lately concerning TheWife that I'm not happy and I seem to be bashing her but I also know that it is and has been up to me to do something about it. Saying that, I have to say this....because I believe in God, I also believe in the vows I took when I got married. I believe in family. But I also believe I deserve better because I gave my all.
Is this what I get for being such a caring person?....
I know some of you say...fool...what are you still doing there? I have asked that same question.
Lord, I know you are able to change anything and I also know that sometimes the answer is no....what to do....what to do.