Monday, January 30, 2012
Saturday, January 28, 2012
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Wednesday, January 25, 2012
As I continued through the old mail, the dates brought to mind what I had already remembered long before starting this venture. The 1 year anniversary of my oldest brother's passing. I called my mom and talked to her for awhile and that made me remember even more how much I miss him. It was good to hear my mom's voice...still strong in my ear....realizing how much I miss her too.
Events in life never stop...they keep coming. How they affect us and how we choose to deal with them rest solely on our individual shoulders. Deleting those old emails did bring back memories but they also triggered a need....no....a desire to restore what I miss about me. Even though you may not have heard from me as much as before, I have not been idle. Changes have been taking place and the journey continues.
Eliminating that which hinders us sometimes may not seem the right thing to do in the eyes of others, but others don't have to live our lives. Remembering is not always a good thing, but forgetting can sometimes be the wrong thing to do. How we handle these rest solely on our individual shoulders.
Time doesn't stop, events continue to happen and changes do take their place. We must also take our spot and do what is right for us...even if others may think it foolish...they do not live our lives...and we don't live theirs.
Making decisions are all a part of the journey and they have to be made...good or bad, right or wrong.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Internet service is down in the house, so this is coming to you via my phone...a first for me. This will be short because this is soooo slow.
I believe in second chances and I believe in forgiveness. The problem I have is with forgetting. That is what stands in the way of completeness. Have you ever been there? Some say forgive and forget...easier said than done.
I'm #workinon it.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
That's the amazing thing about life....you never know what to expect at times. There were no fireworks, flashing lights or anything like that. It was as simple as can be, but it was genuine. I soaked it up like a sponge. I'm not saying that this is the beginning of what I have been hoping for....what I am saying is there was something in the air...it felt good.
What we did talk about had a lot to do with the future. We watched TV had some laughs and talked a bit more in between.
It's not much, but....It's A Start.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
I have always been a firm believer in God although I have not been in His presence the way I once was and I'm sure that is one reason for my present state of being. Prayer has made its way back into my life and is making a big difference.
Many years ago when I was a member of New Life Worship Center, I prayed oh so many times about my marriage and how I so desired to have a loving relationship with TheWife again. When we first met, things were everything I wanted in a relationship, but that changed after we got married. We still had good times and I'm sure many can relate how changes take place after years of being together, but I also know that this in not the norm in many cases. Many people knew of my dilemma and I'm sure countless prayers went out on our behalf.
I am an emotional, caring and sensitive person. Passion is strong in my being. I so desired to have these a part of my marriage but it was not to be and I wondered if I would ever rekindle these in the marriage. I tried talking and doing whatever I could to have my prayers answered because I knew that praying alone would not bring this to fruition. After years of emptiness I gave up and realized I was not going to have the answer I was seeking. I was bitter. Not at God, because I knew that all prayer does not bring the answer we are looking for. I was bitter at TheWife. I wondered why she chose to take the route she did in not trying to keep any kind of passion between us. I was truly perplexed. What puzzled me during our time in church was the fact that she began to give me the impression that because we were in church, it was wrong to have sexual thoughts and desires. For example, if we were watching a movie that had sex scenes, she would make comments about how disgusting it was....what?! I couldn't believe what I was hearing! I talked to her countless times but without success. It was as if she felt because she was in church it was taboo to even think that way. Sure we had what she thought was sex every now and again but far from what even came close to satisfying my needs. After awhile I felt it was pointless and made me feel even more despondent.
I know that it is not unusual for some people to lose there sex drive but I don't feel that was the case here. My thoughts were and still are today that she just didn't want to have sex with me, she kept me at arms length so as NOT to have that in our marriage. Why? I have a few guesses as to why (maybe in part 3?).
I can't remember the last time we had a long passionate kiss or loving embrace. My heart weighs heavy and I'm sure you may be wondering why in the world would I stay in a situation like this and I wonder also.
When we got back together, I thought things would be better than they were before and that we would have a relationship that would resemble anything close to what I dream of. She seems to be content with the way things are and would be happy to have a sexless, passionless life together. I'm far from being dead in body, mind, spirit and desires of the heart. I want and need to have the touch of a woman that would take my breath away. I long to have my ear nibbled. I want to have a woman's hand to momentarily stroke or squeeze my butt to let me know that I still have it goin' on. When I look in the mirror I see a man... a real man....not out of shape. Sure I've aged but at almost 58 years old, still desirable.
I'm not bitter at God, but I have asked...why Lord? What have I done to deserve this emptiness?
I'm sure you can tell in my comments lately concerning TheWife that I'm not happy and I seem to be bashing her but I also know that it is and has been up to me to do something about it. Saying that, I have to say this....because I believe in God, I also believe in the vows I took when I got married. I believe in family. But I also believe I deserve better because I gave my all.
Is this what I get for being such a caring person?....
I know some of you say...fool...what are you still doing there? I have asked that same question.
Lord, I know you are able to change anything and I also know that sometimes the answer is no....what to do....what to do.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Well for one thing, I'm not getting anything done....zip...nada....nothing...zilch.
Maybe I should work myself into a frenzy....naaaa....that would just make me even more tired and I probably would sleep until the next morning.
It has been a couple of weeks at least since I've popped out a new design of any kind....not counting a button I did for MahoganyMama.
You would think that after sleeping for hours I would be awake enough to get something done but that hasn't been the case until tonight...uh....this morning. But I don't plan to stay up much longer cuz I have to work tomorrow...uh...today, and if I stay up much longer I'm afraid I will continue this vicious cycle.
So I bid you farewell in hopes to regain some kind of normal daily after work procedures...love y'all and thanks again for stopping by....I wouldn't be doing this without you.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Today is the 35th wedding anniversary for TheWife and I. If you are a friend on Facebook and you commented on my post, this may give you a better understanding about some of my replies.
I wish I had time to link but if I do, I won't get this finished so I apologize for that. Some of you know that me and TheWife were separated for three years and in December of 2010 she and my son moved here to be with us so they could grow with the kids.
If you read my posts over this past weekend, you may have noticed I made a couple of comments concerning no action between me and TheWife. Details of that will come later also but for now, let me say that I thought things would be different once we got back together but I was totally wrong. She hasn't changed.
On my Facebook page I had mentioned how it was our anniversary and that I hadn't said anything to her, knowing she too had remembered (because she doesn't forget things like that) and I wondered if I was being a butt for not saying anything. I received a few comments on that post and I'm sure those who did comment have no idea (maybe save 1 or 2) why I have chosen to take that path. It's not really complicated but could be construed as confusing. Again, if I go into detail right now I won't get this done before midnight and I want this posted tonight.
OK, so this is where I stop for now....I know it's not much but it's the beginning.....stay tuned.
And the twinkle in the eyes also match
In ears of those that do catch
The sound of words from paper books
Telling stories 'bout nooks n brooks
It is joyous for sure from sea
To the the tallest ever tree
How they love as it's time for bed
On puffy pillows they lay their head
Sunday, January 8, 2012
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How many times have I heard that saying?.....it all comes out in the wash....and most important, how true is it? I've heard it and said it myself most recently. Of all the times I have heard or said it, I have never until this last time ever said this....I want to see that load when it comes out of the wash.
Yes I would like to see if whatever it was that went into the load with the clothes actually gets washed away. It's never anything good that needs to be eradicated, but only mistakes and problems that get the spotlight in this situation.
Next question is who does this laundry and when does it get done. Thinking about this for a minute, I would have to say that maybe the laundry never gets washed because so many of the same mistakes and problems still exists. Either that or the detergent that goes into the wash is not effective enough to do the job. Maybe the water is too hard or too cold, or too big of a load and not enough water.
Of course we all know what I'm saying is nonsense...but it is something to think about...don't ya think?
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