Wednesday, February 9, 2011

I Understand

I was thinking today how different I am than I was three weeks ago, two weeks ago, last week.

I, for the past 2 days have been hit with continued mourning...out of nowhere. I had spoken with LaGear, Jr. yesterday evening for a little while. About an hour later I'm in the shower and I'm overcome with emotion...I let it fly. Same goes a few hours ago...I'm shaving. 

For the first time in my life, I truly understand. I understand what countless other's around the world have gone through. Yes, I have had family members move on...uncles and aunts and even member's from TheWife's side...even my dad. 

I mourned for them all, but this one is different. There are times when I'm able to think about my brother without being emotional. It'll be two weeks tomorrow...only 2 weeks.

When my dad passed on, I remember what I went through as I mourned the loss of his presence; it's not the same as with my brother's.

I knew I was close to my brother, but until now I didn't realize how much. Looking back, I can remember looking up to all of my older brothers...but you know how it is when you look up to your oldest brother. Growing up, as a young kid with no real father figure to look up to, I turned to my siblings...and of course my mom. 

Even though we may not talk for moments at a time, what we have created in memories has given us a bond that is stronger than most. We were always looking out for one another...that came from my mom. What I saw in my brothers and my sister's handling of family bond was transfered from me to our youngest brother...another story.

So all of that said, I feel as if a part of me is gone. Knowing I can't talk to him or touch him, laugh with him. 

Now I understand.   

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